Moving on, Letting go...

So much has changed since I started this blog. My focus, my dreams, my life. Most have been changes for the good, although our life is far from perfect.

I no longer fear for my or my child's safety on a daily basis. The violent rages are mostly gone, and when they return for a brief reunion, they are a shadow of what we had before. Not that it isn't scary to have your 7 year old child attack you and try to inflict as much damage as possible, but it is not as much of a nightmare as it was before.

I know a lot of the reasons why my child is the way he is. I am still searching and learning, because I think there may be more there than just BiPolar, which is common. I have found other people who actually understand what life with a child like this is like. I have been able to get him medication to make life more managable, though I feel like we have not gotten things as under control as we can.

We, as a family are no longer homeless. We always had a roof over our heads, but now we have our own (small) apartment, and we are not likely to need to go to a shelter any time soon. We have our first real pets. In the past we had a couple fish, 3 mice, and a hamster at different times. Now we have two adorable kittens that have brought a lot of joy and laughter to our home.

I am trying to start a business, and it may even be a success, if I can ever get over the first hurdle of launching.

I think we are going to make it. We are not where we should be yet, but we are on the way.

Wordless Wednesday

Summer Has Begun

I went to a blogging class at church tonight, and realized how much I wanted to keep up with this, and I am disappointed in myself for not doing it. So, I am going to try again.

The rest of the school year went well, and for the most part my son is stable. Not completely, but it is such an improvement over a few months ago that it seems "stable" to me.

My little girl is starting middle school in a few months. She has the "teen" attitude to go with it a lot of the time. But, she is smart and funny and enjoyable. I really like getting to know the person she is becoming.

Originally I was going to only write about my struggles with my kids, mostly my son. But, now that things are looking up, I just want a place to express myself.

Progress

This week, my son officially qualified for special education services. Nothing has started yet, although the special education teacher has been working with him for a few months, anyway. But, it is a relief to know that there will be an official plan, and maybe some of the help we need. We are one week away from the appointment with the psychiatrist. It is late, and I don't know why I am still up. I need to take care of myself so I am able to take care of my children. I know this, but some nights it is so hard to go to bed.

Moments of Nothing

Today is one of those days when I feel like nothing has been accomplished, and nothing I am doing is making a difference. It doesn't help that I have had a headache for most of the day, and haven't felt like doing anything. But I think a lot of it is me not having a positive attitude about what I have done. If there are no huge accomplishments, I don't feel like I have done anything. I guess I just want to have a purpose, to have some sort of positive impact on this world.

Letting Go

It is hard to see my little girl growing up. Today she is off to her first official sleepover. Not at church, not in a protected environment, but at someone else's house. Granted, she has known this girl since kindergarten, so it's not like she is going to a stranger's house, but it is still a big step. I hope she enjoys herself, and is not afraid. Yet I miss her dependence on me.

First Steps

Today was the first visit with the behavioral specialist. No instant answers, but I am so glad we are finally able to work with him. I have high hopes that he will be able to give us some solutions.

Still no word on the evaluation at the school. I just want someone to put a name to what is wrong with my son, so we can make a plan to help him get better.

Today was a good day for him. He got a little agitated when the behavioralist was asking questions, but this guy knew enough to back off before the kid blew. Other than that, everything was peaceful. No hitting, kicking or screaming. He came up and gave me a hug when I picked him up from school today. Big change from the last couple days when he came right up to me and kicked me and hit me in the face because he wanted to go to day care.

And both kids were asleep by 6:00, so I am at peace for the moment.

The Journey Begins

I have been travelling this journey on my own, and have now decided to document where I am now, where I have been, and where I am going.

I have been on my own healing journey for 13 years. My children are 10 and 6, so their journey has been a lot shorter. Both of my children have inherited a legacy of mental illness and dysfunction. I endeavor to break the cycle for them, and start them on the healing journey before they go too far down the path of pain and illness.

My daughter, 10, is arguably the most "normal" in our family. However, she does suffer from depression, and seems to have a high anxiety level. I am also wondering if her excessive energy could be mania.

My son, 6, at the moment is the one who is being focused on, due to the severity of his illness. We are still trying to get an official diagnosis, but I see all the signs of bipolar in his behavior. No one else will agree with me, and we are still on a long wait to get him in to see a doctor.

Both of my children have been hurt by the results of my illness, as well as their father, who is no longer a part of their lives. On his side of the family, they have inherited a tendency toward depression, bipolar, and possibly more. They also had to endure his anger and disinterest for years. From me they get a long history of depression, anxiety, migraines, maybe more...They also recently went through a very tramatic experience of being removed from our home while I got my health issues under control. I believe this is what triggered the current severity of my son's symptoms, as well as the extreme separation anxiety they both now have.